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Couple in their fifties writing to their young adult children: “The legal and financial documents may imply our values, but they do not provide a clear explanation of our motivations or a sense of the path we have taken to get to this point. Please read this document as a conversation between the two of us and the two of you. Some of it will make more sense at other points in your lives than it does now, so we hope you’ll keep it in a safe place and refer to it often in the future. Herein you will find information about our families and the ways our values were shaped, the financial planning that we’ve set up for your and your children’s benefit, our non-financial assets, our intentions as they relate to charitable giving and advice on avoiding some potential pitfalls. We love you both unconditionally and want you to have a complete picture of our thinking and an explanation of the plans we have made. We want our money to help you and not hurt you. It will help if it grants you access, flexibility and opportunity; it will hurt if it provides an easy exit from challenges and dilemmas that you need to face in order to grow into strong, successful adults. The most important matter is not how you got your money or how you are going to spend it. It is how you are going spend your lives and what kind of people you are going to be. It is about finding your passions and pursuing them. It is striving to be excellent in whatever you do. It is also about your moral authority. We hope that you will always look outside yourselves and consider the perspective of others, that you will not get so wrapped up in your own lives that you miss the people that are around you that are in need. We hope you will be aware of what is going on in your community and how events are affecting people there and all over the world. Try to take in the stranger - both physically and in your heart." A couple with several growing children, addressing marriage and family: One of the biggest choices you make in life is the person you choose to share your life with beyond this family. That is a journey that each individual has to go through, and over time, you will experience the difference between attraction and deep love. Our hope for each of you that you will find someone who is good to you, and who will take care of you. You deserve to be with someone who adores you, and who will respect you and value you and who will treat you like a true equal partner. Mom and Dad do believe strongly in the formal commitment of marriage. If, as life evolved, one of you chose a same sex partner, it would be important for you to know that we would accept it as long as we knew it was one based on happiness, with the same level of commitment made. It takes a lot of work to maintain a relationship, and what Mom and Dad saw in each other was something they hadn't experienced in their previous relationships: a commitment to a true partnership, each willing to go 110% to making it work. There are challenges in every relationship every day, of hard times of misunderstanding, of communication breakdowns, and of seeing the world differently. It is important to find a partner who is willing to go all the way with you, who is committed to seeing it through the inevitable difficulties. Mom is still touched deeply when she remembers the night she and Dad told Grammy and Grampy that they were planning to be married: "We took them out to dinner to talk about it. They had been waiting and hoping this would happen and Grampy immediately ordered champagne, but Grammy said, 'Wait,' and got very serious in a way we didn't often see. She adored Daddy and wanted very much for Mommy and Daddy to be together, but she needed to have a clear understanding with Dad. She took his hands and looked into his eyes and said, 'I need you to tell me right now that in this relationship, in this commitment, in this marriage, not only will you be there for Ellen, but you will never hurt her intentionally, physically, emotionally or spiritually. She is my treasure and my baby and I will entrust her to you if you can make this promise.' "Daddy held Grammy's hands and he looked her right in the eye and said, 'I will make many mistakes, but I will never intentionally hurt her, nor could I ever think of hurting her.' That was an important contract that had tremendous meaning for me in creating trust. I felt not only valued by Dad, knowing how he felt, but by Grammy, that as a parent, she was making sure that I was going into a safe and loving place. If I am not there to make that contract with your spouse, I will hope that it happens in such a way that you feel sure, down to your toes, that you are joining with a partner who can insure those things for you." Opening lines of an Ethical Will written by an executive and father of adult children: I have observed too many instances of people who leave this world without passing on their wisdom and their insights. Without the purposeful transfer of the riches of their accumulated experiences and knowledge, their families are robbed of the wealth that multiplies generation after generation. I want the present and future generations of this beloved family of ours to build on what has come before them, to stand on our shoulders as I am standing on those who preceded me. I want you to know where I have come from and what I have learned. I want you to know what I have worked to create and I want to share my convictions on how to live a meaningful and balanced life. I am far from being finished and far from being perfect, but I want you to have this now, knowing that what I write here is an expression of my life to the present time. I fully intend to update it as the future unfolds. 49 year old woman addressing her three teenage children: You have each done a wonderful job of creating your own success and happiness. You each have your own individual histories of schools, camps, jobs and friends made along the way. We have tried our best to give you and teach you all that we could, but what you have created has been all yours. It's a lot and it's good, and I am happy for you and so proud of each of you. You are setting patterns that will serve you well all your life. In short, we are very fortunate. We have all worked for what we have, we have made good choices and we have been lucky. Tragedy hasn't visited us. For all this I am very grateful. I am also aware of how much we are moving in our own separate directions, and that ties of family can't be left on auto pilot. It takes a steady and concerted effort, done out of love, to stay connected and to keep an eye on each others' well-being. This is something we must all do for each other as we all go into the future. I fully expect that I will live for a very long time, to see you well into adulthood and to share your future with you. There is much to look forward to and I am planning on being part of all the adventures and all the challenges and all the joys. But if for some reason I am not, the most important thing you need to know is how much my love for you created the person that you will remember as me. I made you, but you made me, too. My marriage to Dad and the joyful inclusion of you in my life, has been the source of all that I have become. We cannot be separated from each other, and I am humble in the face of the beauty and significance of that. I cannot be separated from my mother and father, either, nor they from their parents. 49 year old man in a letter to his children: One of the best things I learned about money also drove me to get a good education. When I was 19, I worked at minimum wage jobs vacuuming parking lots and helping chamber maids with sheets. I had had construction jobs before that, but it was that summer that showed me the power of an education. For a whole population of people these jobs were not just fun summer jobs, these were the only jobs they could have. I knew that was not the life I wanted. It was a real wake-up call for me. 57 year old father to his family: As I look back upon my career, I see that I spent the early years being entirely reactive. We had bills and expenses to pay, and I knew there was something else out there, but I didn't recognize what it was. I did my job well and I was competent, but I had no passion for it. What's happened now is that I have developed a lot of passion and really have a vision for where we can go. I have been very lucky to have learned this, and it has brought some financial success, and an element of service and a larger spiritual perspective that had been missing. While I would have liked to have known all this at the beginning of my career, I recognize that I wasn't ready for it then. I needed to have all the experiences I did, in business and in raising a family of my own, to be able to discover it. It took me a long time, but that is all right. Time is relative. A 52 year old woman writes to her children: The most important thing that I can bequeath to you is something that I hope I have already given you: a deep conviction of your own worth that translates into personal standards and instincts that will steer you in your relationships, inspire you to believe yourself to be a fully contributing citizen of the world, and enable you to create your own version of "home." An 81 year old man writes to his seven grandchildren: The philosophy and handling of personal finances are not subjects taught in school. Therefore this letter began as a vehicle to discuss with you some ideas about financial matters and thoughts about handling money. It would sadden me if you were to conclude that finance overshadows other values of a transcending nature. Keep money in its place as a medium, as a responsibility, as power, as a means to achieve great benefit for others, as a measure of economic progress, but not as a measure of a rich and worthwhile life. The life of Scrooge is no life at all. Your relationships with others, especially your life partner and your family, are infinitely more important. These bonds are worth working hard for and sacrificing for. Marriage is worth your best efforts. 77 year old retired busineswoman and grandmother writes to her adult children: I really respect how all of you, my children and children-in-law, are there for each other when times are tough. I want to encourage you to continue to be there for each other when the day comes when I am not in this life. With all my heart and soul, I encourage you to maintain your identify as brothers and sisters, because there is no one else who is better suited to be there for you, and for your wives and husbands, and all those precious grandchildren. Be aware of each other's struggles, whether it's a personal issue or a health issue, or something in business or finances. There are so many areas that can be devastating in life and you each need to know that you can turn to each other to help with what needs to be done.  |